How to Shop at Walmart

The following are several unwritten rules that I have observed as an employee at Walmart. These rules explain how many people think they are supposed to shop at Walmart.

1. Assume that anyone wearing blue is an employee.
2. Assume that every employee knows (or should know) everything about every minute detail about all of Walmart.
3. Play football throughout the entire store.
4. Carry a gallon of milk to the opposite end of the store, then leave it sitting on an unrefrigerated shelf.
5. Never look at the signs that tell you what kind of items are down an isle.
6. Assume that if Walmart does not carry it, it must not exist in the universe.
7. Open every box you touch, then decide not to buy whatever is inside after all.
8. Blame the hourly associates for things that only the store manager can control.
9. Get an associate’s attention by yelling, “Hey you!” rather than by calmly saying, “Excuse me.”
10. Stick your used gum on the shelf.
11. Let your toddler drool all over a toy, then put it back on the shelf.
12. Respond to your irate and out of control child with, “Don’t make me count to three…”
13. Repeat #12 five minutes later.
14. Repeat #12 ten minutes later.
15. Repeat #12-14 for the next half hour.
16. Give up on controlling your child and pretend he is not screaming.
17. Walk past several safety cones and an associate who is warning you of a wet floor, then threaten to sue Walmart when you slip.
18. Use the store ladders that are labeled “for associate use only.”
19. Ask obvious questions like, “Where are your registers?”
20. Attempt to start a riot about the fact that there are only three registers open.
21. Force an associate to help you shop for two hours.
22. When an associate says that he is 100% sure that a particular is not in the back room, ask, “Well can you check?”
23. Go through the express checkout lane with 100 items.
24. Stand in front of the guy pulling 3000 pounds of freight behind him.
25. Refuse to walk your shopping cart twelve more feet to the cart corral.