This story is a continuation of Dave and the Raspberry Sword, which you can read here. Be sure to check it out. Seriously. This story will make no sense if you don’t.
Dave assumed that the way that he was going to “restore order to Arcadia,” as the Queen of all Berries had said, he would need to go to the Arcadian Castle. Arcadian Castle was the largest castle in the entire land of Arcadia. The fact that both the names of the land and the castle were “Arcadia” was completely coincidental. Do you know how at work there are two people with the last name Fisher, and they always are hanging out together but they are not related at all? You know no one else with the last name Fisher in the entire world, but two of them are working in your office building but aren’t related. It is uncanny, but it happens. Nevertheless, the largest castle in the land of Arcadia was the Arcadian Castle.
Arcadian Castle was built by King Arcadia. On second thought, I may have drained this joke dry. Arcadian Castle was built by King Hank the 3rd. He was a benevolent ruler, who would often walk through the gardens with the children of Arcadia. He won the love and affection of the people by often giving out gift cards to Olive Garden.
The Arcadian Castle was supposed to be nigh impenetrable. The only weak point was the thermal exhaust port. Curiously enough, this was a problem that they were fully aware of but did nothing about, assuming that no one would take advantage of said weakness. The orcs did.
Because the orcs now occupied Arcadian Castle, it made sense for Dave to storm the castle and win it back. But in order to get to Arcadian Castle, Dave would need to go through the Forest of Blistering Insults. Many years ago, an apprentice sorceress was practicing spells when she accidentally cursed an entire forest. Now the trees insult people whenever they try to walk through the forest. The trees don’t hold back either! They don’t say things like “You’re stupid” or “I know what you are but what am I?” instead they cut deep into your deepest fears and anxieties. They say things like “Your mother never loved you,” or, “You forgot to turn the stove off when you left the house.” It is for this reason that few people have successfully been able to walk through the Forest of Blistering Insults.
Dave was filled with fear and trepidation as he approached the forest. As he got closer, he saw a small building that looked like a toll booth. A short man with a beard was sitting in the building. When the short man saw Dave, his ears perked up and he sprang into action.
“Howdy stranger!” the little man said, “Do you plan on walking through the Forest of Blistering Insults today?”
“Yes sir!” Dave answered.
“And what business do you have traveling through the Forest of Blistering Insults on this fine day?” the little man probed.
Dave did not know how much of the story he should tell, or if he should tell it at all. He decided on the most simple answer possible, “I plan on going to the Arcadian Castle with this sword that was given to me by the Queen of All Berries that tastes like berries in order to overthrow the orcs and restore order into the land of Arcadia.”
The little man wrote down Dave’s answer on the form, “And just for clarification, does the castle, the sword, or the Queen taste like berries. Your last sentence was incredibly unclear.”
“The sword,” Dave replied, as he unsheathed the Raspberry Sword to show it off.
“Oh, wow, that doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“I know, right!”
“Sign here please,” the little man said as he handed Dave an official looking form.
“What is this?” Dave asked.
“Welp, this here is a medical release form. Signing this simply states that we are not responsible for any damages done to your person or possessions physical, emotional, or otherwise. And that you will not sue us in case of something really bad happening to you.”
Dave was getting nervous, “I don’t like signing things before reading them carefully. Give me a minute.”
After 10 minutes of meticulously reading over the contract, Dave signed.
“You may now proceed,” the little man said as he jumped back into his toll booth to continue his Janette Oke book.
Dave began to journey into the Forest of Blistering Insults. What would happen to him when he got into the forest? Dave feared what pains and fears in his life would be highlighted before his eyes.
Suddenly he heard a voice call out in a dark, lonesome way, “Your credit score is 452, you will never be approved for a loan!”
Dave had owned this unfortunate truth in his life, he had made some unwise financial decisions when he was younger. This did not faze him.
“Your nose is too big,” one said.
“Your hair cut is stupid,” said another
“You’re worthless, Dave” began a chorus of trees. The insults, personal jabs, and unkind observations grew into an inaudible cacophony of torture with a common theme being heard above all the rest, “You’re worthless, Dave. You’re worthless.”
Undeterred, Dave pressed on. Sal became so frightened that he cowered in fear and insisted for Dave to hold him with his sad little bleating sounds.
The noises of the forest began to subside. As the insults became quieter and quieter, the light at the end of the forest grew brighter and brighter. Dave reached the edge of the forest, having successfully made it through, whereas many before him, and many after him, were not able to do so.
The big question that may be on your mind is why Dave was able to handle the tortures of the Forest of Blistering Insults, after all, we have already established pretty well that Dave is a pathetic man. It is likely that the forces that be were preparing Dave for a very long time for this very moment. Someday, Dave would have to thank his mother in law for constantly insulting and belittling him, there was nothing that the forest could say that could possibly be any meaner than what she would often say.
However, as Dave exited the forest, he walked right into something that shook him to his core- An orc.
“Who goes there?”The orc asked.
Dave looked down at Sal, “It looks like we will have to wait for the next blog post to find out what happens to us,” he said, “Hopefully the writer will be kind enough to allow us to survive this!”
And with that, this chapter in the story of Dave and the Raspberry Sword was over.
Stay tuned for part 3 of this fascinating 4 part trilogy!
