“Who goes there?” yelled an angry guard orc.
If you do not understand why Dave is in this predicament, it would probably be best to go back and read the first two segments of this story: first and second.
“Who goes there?” yelled the angry guard orc, for the third time now.
Dave contemplated what he should say to the orc. Should he tell the orc a lie and that he was just an ordinary used wagon salesman passing, on his way to the monster wagon derby? Or should he tell the truth and risk the orc attacking him? Dave decided on the latter, because he had once heard that it was not right to lie.
“My name is Dave, and I am destined to vanquish the orcs and restore Arcadia to its former glory!”
Apparenty no one had ever told the orc that honesty is the best policy, because the truth that Dave told angered the orc greatly. With a strange mixture of a grunt and a shout (sounding kind of like a “graarrrrrghhhhhumph”), the orc charged Dave with a dull and rusty battle axe (It was government issued).
Dave had never actually used the raspberry sword before, he had never used any sword before! Should he swing and jab? Should he jab and swing? Or maybe even he should slash and thrash aimlessly, hoping to eventually hit something? He knew at least one thing, if he was going to slash, thrash, swing, or jab, he would need to at least unsheathe the sword.
Dave pulled the Raspberry Sword out of the sheath. A purple glow emitted from the sword, the singing of angels came from out of the sheath. Dave held onto the hilt of the sword with both hands, his arms a little shaky out of fear and the fact that his puny arms were too weak to confidently hold the sword without wobbling.
“Graarrrrrghhhhhumph”, grunt/shouted the orc as he charged. But as he approached Dave, ready to swing his axe, which he loving referred to as the Grand Tetanus, he stopped dead in his tracks.
Sniff Sniff “Do I smell raspberries?” The orc asked.
Now would be a good time to note that the Raspberry Sword did not simply taste like raspberries, but it also smelled like them. I am not saying that it smells like fake raspberry flavor like you get in candy, it smells like the fresh scent of a field of raspberries, ready to be picked and consumed.
Realizing that it was the Raspberry Sword that smelled like raspberries, the orc snatched the sword from Dave’s hand and began to lick the sword. The orc enjoyed the taste of the raspberries so much that he continued to lick. We will not go into detail about the disturbing and gruesome things that Dave beheld next. Suffice it to say that the orc licked the sword to death.
Now there was nothing standing in the way of Dave, Sal, and the Arcadian Castle. Dave looked up the hill to where the castle sat. Dark clouds and lighting swirled around the castle, ominous music played over speakers hidden around the castle’s property.
As Dave walked up the hill to the Arcadian Castle, he approached multiple signs telling him to turn back. They said, in this order, “Turn Back”, “Turn Back Now”, Seriously, Turn Back”, “This is Your Final Warning”, “Pretty Please, Turn Back!”, “Why Aren’t You Listening?”, and, “Turn Back or I am telling Mom!”
Dave walked passed the warning signs and came upon a large tourist sign that said “I Heart Arcadian Castle”! Dave whipped out his cell phone. He asked the nearest orc to take a picture of him and Sal in front of the sign.
The orc said, “Sure pal! Smile and say ‘Swiss!”
“Swiss!” This would be a picture to remember for years to come.
The door to the castle stood in front of him. What will Dave encounter on the other side of the door? How will our hero’s story end? Tune in next week for the fourth part of the Dave and the Raspberry Sword trilogy!
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