Dave and the Raspberry Sword — The Adventure Begins

Dave lived in the land of Arcadia with his mother-in-law and his goat named Sal. He was a pretty pathetic man. When all of the other men in Arcadia enjoyed pastimes like jousting, slaying dragons, and playing rugby, Dave was more than content to tend to his berry garden; which was unfortunate, because Dave did not like the taste of berries, Sal had diverticulitis, and Dave’s mother-in-law didn’t like anything that Dave did. Despite his lack of desire to eat his own berries, his berry garden thrived and was the pride of all of Arcadia, which goes to show that Arcadia did not have much going for it.

Arcadia had once been a prosperous and happy land, until it was invaded by the orcs. Orcs were short, green creatures with pointy ears, buck teeth, and claws. The orcs were not the brightest of creatures, in fact, they were actually pretty stupid. It is a well-known fact that the orcs do not know how to tie their shoes, so they run around barefooted because they also do not have enough toes to make flip-flops work properly.

You may be wondering how such a stupid race of creatures was able overthrow a prosperous land like Arcadia. It is best not to ask these questions because no one really knows the answer. One day they were not here and then suddenly the next day they were. Everybody just assumes that Derek accidentally kept the back door open; everybody hates Derek.

Today was just like any other day. The suns were up, a cool autumn breeze swept through the air, and Dave was going to tend to his berry garden. He ate his daily bowl of bran cereal and walked out the door.

“You’re worthless, Dave!” His mother-in-law said as he walked outside. She would say this practically everyday.

“Love you too, ma!” He shouted back as he left his hut.

“I’m not your mother!” He could hear her yell back as he continued to walk to the garden.

Dave was proud of his berry garden because he had every berry imaginable: blueberries, lemonberries, snozberries, boysenberries, and elderberries. Of course, he did not have strawberries because those do not exist in Arcadia or any of the realms. But the one patch of berries that he was the most proud of was his raspberries. Dave’s raspberries were the plumpest in all the realms. One time, Dave even made the cover of Berry Magazine because of his raspberries, which, yes, is a real thing. As Dave pulled weeds and tended to his berries, suddenly a bright light shined down on him from the sky. Bewildered, Dave looked up to see where the light came from. Descending from the sky came a woman who was plump and blue, wearing a crown and holding a scepter.

“I am the Queen of all Berries,” said the strange woman, “And I am here to bestow on you the greatest honor to be bestowed in all berry-dom.”
Dave looked around to see who the queen was talking to. Upon realizing that she was talking to him, he said, “You are talking to me? You do know that I am a pretty pathetic person, right?”

The Queen of all Berries nodded, “Yes, you are an awfully pathetic man, but you are well versed in the berry arts and have caught the attention of the Counsel of Berries. It has been determined that you are the only one who is worthy of wielding the Raspberry Sword and restoring order to the Land of Arcadia.”

“This is all a little much. I have a few questions. Like, there is a Counsel of Berries? How do you choose who is in a counsel like that—”

“I don’t have time to answer your questions because I have a meeting with the Queen of Turnips in half an hour. Here’s the sword.”

The sword plopped down in front of him; it glowed with a mystical force, with the hilt giving off a deep purple color.

“This is a special sword, Dave. The Raspberry Sword actually tastes like raspberries. With it, you will change the world,” said the Queen of all Berries.

“For what possible reason would a sword taste like a berry?!?” Dave asked, “Is this one of those ‘you’re on candid camera’ things?”

“You are the chosen one, restore order to Arcadia and be the hero you are destined to be,” and with that, the Queen of the Berries disappeared as suddenly as she came.

“That did not answer any of my questions,” Dave said to himself. Dave picked up the sword and looked at it. He had never been on an adventure before, maybe now was his chance to make a difference in the world.

Dave looked down at Sal, “Are you ready for an adventure?”