This story is a continuation of Dave and the Raspberry Sword, which you can read here. Be sure to check it out. Seriously. This story will make no sense if you don’t.
Dave assumed that the way that he was going to “restore order to Arcadia,” as the Queen of all Berries had said, he would need to go to the Arcadian Castle. Arcadian Castle was the largest castle in the entire land of Arcadia. The fact that both the names of the land and the castle were “Arcadia” was completely coincidental. Do you know how at work there are two people with the last name Fisher, and they always are hanging out together but they are not related at all? You know no one else with the last name Fisher in the entire world, but two of them are working in your office building but aren’t related. It is uncanny, but it happens. Nevertheless, the largest castle in the land of Arcadia was the Arcadian Castle.
Arcadian Castle was built by King Arcadia. On second thought, I may have drained this joke dry. Arcadian Castle was built by King Hank the 3rd. He was a benevolent ruler, who would often walk through the gardens with the children of Arcadia. He won the love and affection of the people by often giving out gift cards to Olive Garden.
The Arcadian Castle was supposed to be nigh impenetrable. The only weak point was the thermal exhaust port. Curiously enough, this was a problem that they were fully aware of but did nothing about, assuming that no one would take advantage of said weakness. The orcs did.
Because the orcs now occupied Arcadian Castle, it made sense for Dave to storm the castle and win it back. But in order to get to Arcadian Castle, Dave would need to go through the Forest of Blistering Insults. Many years ago, an apprentice sorceress was practicing spells when she accidentally cursed an entire forest. Now the trees insult people whenever they try to walk through the forest. The trees don’t hold back either! They don’t say things like “You’re stupid” or “I know what you are but what am I?” instead they cut deep into your deepest fears and anxieties. They say things like “Your mother never loved you,” or, “You forgot to turn the stove off when you left the house.” It is for this reason that few people have successfully been able to walk through the Forest of Blistering Insults.
Dave was filled with fear and trepidation as he approached the forest. As he got closer, he saw a small building that looked like a toll booth. A short man with a beard was sitting in the building. When the short man saw Dave, his ears perked up and he sprang into action.
“Howdy stranger!” the little man said, “Do you plan on walking through the Forest of Blistering Insults today?”
“Yes sir!” Dave answered.
“And what business do you have traveling through the Forest of Blistering Insults on this fine day?” the little man probed.
Dave did not know how much of the story he should tell, or if he should tell it at all. He decided on the most simple answer possible, “I plan on going to the Arcadian Castle with this sword that was given to me by the Queen of All Berries that tastes like berries in order to overthrow the orcs and restore order into the land of Arcadia.”
The little man wrote down Dave’s answer on the form, “And just for clarification, does the castle, the sword, or the Queen taste like berries. Your last sentence was incredibly unclear.”
“The sword,” Dave replied, as he unsheathed the Raspberry Sword to show it off.
“Oh, wow, that doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“I know, right!”
“Sign here please,” the little man said as he handed Dave an official looking form.
“What is this?” Dave asked.
“Welp, this here is a medical release form. Signing this simply states that we are not responsible for any damages done to your person or possessions physical, emotional, or otherwise. And that you will not sue us in case of something really bad happening to you.”
Dave was getting nervous, “I don’t like signing things before reading them carefully. Give me a minute.”
After 10 minutes of meticulously reading over the contract, Dave signed.
“You may now proceed,” the little man said as he jumped back into his toll booth to continue his Janette Oke book.
Dave began to journey into the Forest of Blistering Insults. What would happen to him when he got into the forest? Dave feared what pains and fears in his life would be highlighted before his eyes.
Suddenly he heard a voice call out in a dark, lonesome way, “Your credit score is 452, you will never be approved for a loan!”
Dave had owned this unfortunate truth in his life, he had made some unwise financial decisions when he was younger. This did not faze him.
“Your nose is too big,” one said.
“Your hair cut is stupid,” said another
“You’re worthless, Dave” began a chorus of trees. The insults, personal jabs, and unkind observations grew into an inaudible cacophony of torture with a common theme being heard above all the rest, “You’re worthless, Dave. You’re worthless.”
Undeterred, Dave pressed on. Sal became so frightened that he cowered in fear and insisted for Dave to hold him with his sad little bleating sounds.
The noises of the forest began to subside. As the insults became quieter and quieter, the light at the end of the forest grew brighter and brighter. Dave reached the edge of the forest, having successfully made it through, whereas many before him, and many after him, were not able to do so.
The big question that may be on your mind is why Dave was able to handle the tortures of the Forest of Blistering Insults, after all, we have already established pretty well that Dave is a pathetic man. It is likely that the forces that be were preparing Dave for a very long time for this very moment. Someday, Dave would have to thank his mother in law for constantly insulting and belittling him, there was nothing that the forest could say that could possibly be any meaner than what she would often say.
However, as Dave exited the forest, he walked right into something that shook him to his core- An orc.
“Who goes there?”The orc asked.
Dave looked down at Sal, “It looks like we will have to wait for the next blog post to find out what happens to us,” he said, “Hopefully the writer will be kind enough to allow us to survive this!”
And with that, this chapter in the story of Dave and the Raspberry Sword was over.
Stay tuned for part 3 of this fascinating 4 part trilogy!
Dave lived in the land of Arcadia with his mother-in-law and his goat named Sal. He was a pretty pathetic man. When all of the other men in Arcadia enjoyed pastimes like jousting, slaying dragons, and playing rugby, Dave was more than content to tend to his berry garden; which was unfortunate, because Dave did not like the taste of berries, Sal had diverticulitis, and Dave’s mother-in-law didn’t like anything that Dave did. Despite his lack of desire to eat his own berries, his berry garden thrived and was the pride of all of Arcadia, which goes to show that Arcadia did not have much going for it.
Arcadia had once been a prosperous and happy land, until it was invaded by the orcs. Orcs were short, green creatures with pointy ears, buck teeth, and claws. The orcs were not the brightest of creatures, in fact, they were actually pretty stupid. It is a well-known fact that the orcs do not know how to tie their shoes, so they run around barefooted because they also do not have enough toes to make flip-flops work properly.
You may be wondering how such a stupid race of creatures was able overthrow a prosperous land like Arcadia. It is best not to ask these questions because no one really knows the answer. One day they were not here and then suddenly the next day they were. Everybody just assumes that Derek accidentally kept the back door open; everybody hates Derek.
Today was just like any other day. The suns were up, a cool autumn breeze swept through the air, and Dave was going to tend to his berry garden. He ate his daily bowl of bran cereal and walked out the door.
“You’re worthless, Dave!” His mother-in-law said as he walked outside. She would say this practically everyday.
“Love you too, ma!” He shouted back as he left his hut.
“I’m not your mother!” He could hear her yell back as he continued to walk to the garden.
Dave was proud of his berry garden because he had every berry imaginable: blueberries, lemonberries, snozberries, boysenberries, and elderberries. Of course, he did not have strawberries because those do not exist in Arcadia or any of the realms. But the one patch of berries that he was the most proud of was his raspberries. Dave’s raspberries were the plumpest in all the realms. One time, Dave even made the cover of Berry Magazine because of his raspberries, which, yes, is a real thing. As Dave pulled weeds and tended to his berries, suddenly a bright light shined down on him from the sky. Bewildered, Dave looked up to see where the light came from. Descending from the sky came a woman who was plump and blue, wearing a crown and holding a scepter.
“I am the Queen of all Berries,” said the strange woman, “And I am here to bestow on you the greatest honor to be bestowed in all berry-dom.”
Dave looked around to see who the queen was talking to. Upon realizing that she was talking to him, he said, “You are talking to me? You do know that I am a pretty pathetic person, right?”
The Queen of all Berries nodded, “Yes, you are an awfully pathetic man, but you are well versed in the berry arts and have caught the attention of the Counsel of Berries. It has been determined that you are the only one who is worthy of wielding the Raspberry Sword and restoring order to the Land of Arcadia.”
“This is all a little much. I have a few questions. Like, there is a Counsel of Berries? How do you choose who is in a counsel like that—”
“I don’t have time to answer your questions because I have a meeting with the Queen of Turnips in half an hour. Here’s the sword.”
The sword plopped down in front of him; it glowed with a mystical force, with the hilt giving off a deep purple color.
“This is a special sword, Dave. The Raspberry Sword actually tastes like raspberries. With it, you will change the world,” said the Queen of all Berries.
“For what possible reason would a sword taste like a berry?!?” Dave asked, “Is this one of those ‘you’re on candid camera’ things?”
“You are the chosen one, restore order to Arcadia and be the hero you are destined to be,” and with that, the Queen of the Berries disappeared as suddenly as she came.
“That did not answer any of my questions,” Dave said to himself. Dave picked up the sword and looked at it. He had never been on an adventure before, maybe now was his chance to make a difference in the world.
Dave looked down at Sal, “Are you ready for an adventure?”
